To the One Waiting,
People say there’s something poetic about waiting for someone. Waiting for someone to be ready to love you back. Waiting for someone to work through their issues, so that their heart can finally learn to love you. Waiting for someone to look at you, just the way you look at them.
There are so many quotes that will always inspire you to hang on. Keep pushing you to hold on; to never give up. You’ll have your friends tell you that it’s only going to be a matter of time before that person realizes your worth and come to you.
This goes on for a while.
He’s having issues trusting people? You’re beside him, consoling him. She’s having trouble believing that love doesn’t exist? You’re right there, holding her tight, letting her know that you’re never going to let go. He lashes out at you because he doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings? She’s playing with your feelings because she’s unsure of hers? She ‘loves’ you, but likes him as well? He isn’t ready for a relationship right now, but he still wants you hanging on to him? All through, you’re still standing by them. Making excuses for their behavior. Justifying their behavior. Giving them the right to ignore your feelings, and demand that theirs be taken care of.
You fail to notice that every single part of you is slowly breaking as well. It takes strength to hold on; strength is what the world falls in love with, they say. Time and again, you keep telling yourself this. That’s the only way you’ll convince yourself.
Days go by, and slowly, you find yourself sitting in the corner of your room, all alone in the darkness, realizing that somehow, it’s YOU who needs to be saved. You ran with every piece of your heart, only to have it broken again and again by them. Now, it feels like you’re the one who can’t be fixed anymore.
You start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Maybe you’re not spontaneous enough. Maybe you’re too hot-tempered. Maybe you love too intensely and that’s scared the other off. Maybe, maybe and a whole horde of other maybes fill your mind. You soon realize that you’re holding on only because you think their love for you is going to make you feel better about yourself. That their love somehow equates to you being accepted for all your quirks.
Let me be honest. I believe in waiting. I believe that sometimes, two people aren’t ready for each other and time is the only thing that would heal them both together. I also believe that the one you love may not be ready for you right now, but over time, it could lead to something beautiful. I believe that what’s truly meant to be, will find its way to you.
But I also believe in letting go when it’s time. Little does the world know that sometimes, there is absolute beauty and strength in letting go. I believe in letting go, when it no longer helps you grow as a person. I believe in letting go when you slowly start to lose yourself in the process. I believe in letting go, when the other refuses to acknowledge the pain you’re going through as you wait for them.
It does take strength to wait for someone. I know the amount of strength it takes to stand by someone, through ups and downs. To be on the other side of the confusion and yet hope for the days to get brighter. To find yourself struggling to keep them afloat. But as I’ve learnt the hard way, there’s a fine line between strength and stupidity and you should know when to walk away.
You’re allowed to wait for someone, if that’s what you choose. You’re allowed to be there for them while they work through their stuff. You’re allowed to love them with all your heart. You’re allowed to do all that.
But in that process, you’re not allowed to keep breaking your heart. Not allowed to justify someone hurting you intentionally as their way of working through things. Not allowed to compromise on your self-esteem and self-confidence. Not allowed to equate their love to you feeling complete and whole. Not allowed to lose yourself while you’re helping them to stabilize themselves emotionally. Not allowed to trade-off your happiness for a remote possibility of their love. The minute you start to doubt yourself, and realize that you’re in constant pain, THAT’S the moment you need to walk away.
THIS is what I truly believe in. THIS is what life has taught me. I do really hope you wouldn’t have to learn it the way I did.
The One Who Once Did Break, Waiting
I think I’ve reached a stage in life where I feel I’m emotionally stable enough to write about this particular phase of my life. It did take me a while to get back on my feet. It took me a lot more time to believe in myself and in love. I didn’t think I could pull through. It went on for about 3-4 years and believe me, I still do get goosebumps when I think about everything that I had put myself through. I look back and I’m proud of how far I’ve come and the lessons that I learnt from this experience. I just thought I’d finally write about it and hopefully, help a few lost ones out there.
Lots and Lots of Love,